Late night hosts denude the GOP's Jan. 6 historical revisionism, attempts to 'All Riots Matter' the commission

"It's been a little over five months since a violent mob stormed the U.S. Capitol, took over the floor of the Senate, and passed a law giving tax breaks to incels," Trevor Noah joked on Wednesday's Daily Show. "The FBI is still tracking down the rioters," and those already caught "are working on staying out of prison." He focused on the "novel" and "inflammatory" all-the-rioters-are-morons defense from "QAnon Shaman" Jacob Chansley's lawyer. "It's important to remember that a mob of morons didn't just materialize out of nowhere," Noah said, which is why the House just voted to investigate who "encouraged and inspired these morons" and allowed them to ransack the Capitol. "Interestingly enough," he added, Republicans are either uninterested in the answers or "trying to 'All Riots Matter' this commission." The Daily Show gave the GOP's "revisionist history" a shot. "This is why we need a commission, to lay out the facts for the historical record so Republicans can't lie about it and create an alternate reality where it didn't happen," Late Night's Seth Meyers argued. Seriously, "it's all there on camera for us to see." GOP leaders claim they wanted the commission to also investigate Black Lives Matter protests, antifa, and other unrelated events. "That's like being upset that the movie Halloween doesn't investigate what happens on Arbor Day," Stephen Colbert said at The Late Show. He also cheered New York's attorney general pursuing a criminal investigation of Donald Trump's business, calling it "a big deal" that a "four-alarm freakout" on cable news never really explained. "It's starting to look like the guy who ran a fraudulent charitable foundation and fraudulent university might be a fraud," Jimmy Kimmel deadpanned on Kimmel Live. If Trump "does end up in prison, I really think we should give him Twitter back." Republican leaders don't want a commission because "some of them are worried if we investigate what happened on the 6th, they might have to plead the 5th," Kimmel said. "Some of these guys are also saying they want to move on and not rehash the past. Right, you know, when a violent mob attacked our embassy in Benghazi, Republicans in Congress investigated it eight times. A violent mob attacks the U.S. Capitol, they're like, 'Tourists, what are you gonna do?'" This "division and anger and mistrust," he sighed, "it's all because one guy's ego is so out of control he can't deal with the fact that he lost an election." More stories from theweek.comThe enormous downside of another long, public Trump investigation that comes to nothingStephen Breyer is delusional about the Supreme CourtTexas executes Quintin Jones for 1999 murder, says it forgot to let the media witness execution

Late night hosts doubt the CDC's mask-vaccination honor system is workable, believe UFOs are real

"Last week, the CDC officially announced that aside from a few exceptions, people who have gotten the COVID vaccine no longer need to wear masks to stay safe," Trevor Noah said on Monday's Daily Show. "But now, some people are telling the CDC to slow their roll," worried it's too soon to unmask, especially with no way to tell who is vaccinated. The honor system is not a workable solution, Noah said. "I mean, have you ever seen the 10 Items or Less line?" In reality, "lots of unvaccinated people won't be wearing masks," while, "a lot of vaccinated people who don't need to wear a mask anymore are gonna keep doing it anyway," he said. "In fact, it kind of warms my heart a little bit to think that somewhere, a liberal who's wearing a mask even though he's vaccinated will run into a conservative wearing a mask to protect himself from vaccines, and the two of them will look at each other and think, 'Yeah, this guy gets it.'" "For the new guidelines to work, the CDC is asking Americans to be honest about their vaccination status," Jimmy Fallon said at The Tonight Show. "Really? People can't even tell the truth on their Tinder profiles." In a boring new New York Times exposé, President Biden's advisers say he's "obsessed with details, asks many questions, and displays unexpected warmth," Fallon said. "The report also says that Biden's drink of choice is Orange Gatorade. Is it? Or is it just water with Metamucil?" He also had fun with Biden's unearthed Venmo history. Biden apparently used his since-deleted Venmo account to send money to his granddaughters, Jimmy Kimmel said on Kimmel Live. "It's just weird to hear about a politician using Venmo to pay teenagers for something other than sex, isn't it?" Kimmel also lingered on a new 60 Minutes report on UFOs. "The government calls them Unidentified Aerial Phenomena, UAP — just like the Cardi B song — and they've known about this for a couple years but they waited until now to talk about it," he said. "I feel like if this story had been on 60 Minutes in, like, 1988, it would be the only thing we talk about for the next 30 years," but after watching it, "you almost hope they're visitors from another planet, because if China has technology like this, we'd better learn to speak Mandarin like immediately." More stories from theweek.com7 scathingly funny cartoons about Liz Cheney's ousterBiden, harboring low expectations, wants Israel and Gaza to give 'calm' a chanceThe GOP's blatant disregard for democracy